Malachi sniffled as if he should have been crying, but he didn’t have the strength left for any more tears. He’d shed enough.

Slowly, his hand drew out of her comforting hold. He felt like an intruder, taking things he didn’t deserve.

“He didn’t hang himself. I killed him.”

Would he ever have admitted it to her, had it not been for the drugs? Would he have considered saying it if he’d left for London, as he’d planned, and started over? He might have been a better man, then. One with enough merits to make up for his faults.

Nettie's emotion was impossible to read as she stared at him. Her hand remained where it had been left behind when he withdrew his. She only had one word before she could even think to say anything else.


"Why?"

Why?

Malachi suppressed another shiver. Her question was somehow worse than any immediate condemnation.

“Why?” he breathed, pressing harder against his closed eyes.

“Because he… he deserved it.”

What kind of an answer was that? Telling a girl that shared Lyle’s blood that he deserved being killed. That Malachi himself had killed him.

“He was so – sick, Nettie, and I tried so hard to keep that from you. From everyone. Why should someone as sweet as you have to share the same world as him? What if everyone found out the things he did, what would happen to you and your parents then?”

He was rambling, but he didn’t even know in which direction his mind was traveling.

“What if he – he tried to use you, ruin you, what if he made you into what he made me? What could I have done?”

Nettie listened and she stood. She rubbed her hands together and moved across the room. "If it is as you say.. " She moved behind him and slipped her arms around him and hugged him.

"Then I am sorry you had to do this for me, for everyone. I believe you completely. And I am sorry you've had this guilt on your shoulders. I also understand why you could never tell me. I hope that having told me has.. relieved some of the burden from your shoulders."

She was stubborn. Her uncle had done terrible things perhaps, but this thing she honestly believed he did it for her and others. She wouldn't condemn him for it.

He wanted to turn in his chair and hug her and never let her go. Instead, he sucked in an involuntary breath when her arms settled over his injured form.

Why was she still so understanding? Even if he’d done it for her, and for everyone else, he’d done it for himself too. He’d wanted to kill him, and he wasn’t even sure anymore if his desire was borne of the want to help, or if the want to help came after.

The action was still the same, and if actions were all that mattered? He wished he knew where that left him.

“You shouldn’t be- apologizing to me.” Malachi sounded strained. His hand lifted to rest on Nettie’s arm, light as could be. “I killed him. I killed him, and I lied about it, and I was glad to see him die. And I–”

God how he wished that he could cry.

“I miss him. I haven’t known what to do since then – look at me. I don’t know what to do without him.”

Nettie shook her head as she rest it on his and closed her eyes.

"I am sorry not just for myself, but for you. Look how it's hurt you. And how you suffer for it. How can I not do that at least. I wish I had the answer, and I wish I knew what to say to help you. If I remembered him better, perhaps I could give you the words you need to hear. I don't know how to help you find an answer without him. But, I can suggest you find something or someone new to help you find a new path. One you can leave these ghosts behind. "

She only know was getting a glimpse into his darkness and the rough waters that filled his heart and mind. She wanted to calm it but had no idea how, even he didn't. All she could do was be there for him.

"Malachi.. uncle. I am sorry. I can only relate in that I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost you. I truly wish I had answers for you. Are you disappointed in me for being so useless?"

Something new. Someone new. He’d been looking for someone to fill that empty void he’d ripped into his heart with the absence of his father, someone to live for, to devote himself to the way he’d lived so devotedly for Lyle. He knew that, but knowing it made him feel all the more pathetic for it.

His other hand raised to clutch at her arm as well, holding tighter onto her.

“No,” Malachi replied, and though his voice was still quiet, it was firm.

“I will never be disappointed in you.”

Nettie didn’t need to have the answers. She shouldn’t have seen him like this in the first place.

Malachi drew in a deep breath, and said, “you’re right. I just need… change. A new path. I don’t know what, I… don’t even know where to start. But I’ll try.”

Nettie sighed and held him close, having no plans to move. "It's ok if you ever are. I am never able to be of any use to you. I feel more like I drag you down." She said quietly as she held her uncle, wishing she could give him some comfort.

"Then step back, if you must. I can tell them you are unwell. That something has happened. And you just need a few days, a week? To yourself. I know it isn't much time. Sometimes though, to clear your head.. it's good to have time to really think. To not have to worry about church. Would that help?" She asked, desperation in her voice.

"If you wish any help at all, anything... I am here for you."

“You do not… drag me down,” Malachi insisted, giving her arm a gentle squeeze.

Stepping back felt like too much and not enough all at once. It would be the sensible thing to do, and yet it felt to him like admitting defeat.

He was silent for a while. Whether it was the fault of the opium, or the warm embrace of her arms, or mere exhaustion – he could have fallen asleep right where he was.

“I don’t want to do anything yet,” he finally whispered. “Not until I can think. I need a few days to make sure that things are… well, in the church. Then I’ll take some time to figure things out. Alright?”

Nettie nodded slightly as she continued to hold him in her arms. "Of course. Give yourself a little time, and take some time for yourself. If you want to fall further into your.. activities to get them a little out of your system, do it. If you want to just spend it alone and thinking to yourself to figure out things, then do it. I will bring you supplies if you want to hide away from the world."

She knew the church would be ok for a little while without him. It would continue on if he left it, though she thought it was better with him in it, no matter what sort of sins he enjoyed away from their eyes. If he saved the others, isn't it worth it?

"For now, do you want me to go to the market and get you some medicine for your injuries? I .. don't think you actually woke up that way. But... if you don't want to tell me, you've revealed a lot to me today."